Steam Room Etiquette

So there I was thinking how relaxing a quick pop in the steam room would be.... however, I had forgotten the extraordinarily awkward social norms that apply!

First of all, your stepping into a room of darkness, vision blurred by steam just hoping that theres a space to sit, theres nothing more awkward than having to walk back out once you've disturbed the moment of silence with your grand entrance through the haze. Especially seeing as you have a crucial two second time gap to get the door open, your body in and the door closed again before too much steam escapes and you annoy the entire population in the steam room! The key is to only open the door slightly and mould your body out through the slither of the gap, but not too fast or your momentum will whip all the steam out with you!
After this imagined social pressure, I finally made it to a seat and luckily there was only one other man in there. So i close my eyes, lay back and relax and...."Its not hot in here is it!?" comes from what appears to be the most scouse sounded man alive. First rule of steam rooms... DONT TALK TO ME! If I wanted friends, I wouldn't come and sit in a silent room with my eyes closed.
Shortly after this annoyance, about a million people came piling in causing me to squish right up to the corner. At this point, I wanted to leave but realised that if I left now, not only would the person who just sat next to me be highly offended, but also the door cannot be opened again for at least two minutes or it will just become a room without steam! However, against my wishes, more people entered including a happy old couple who decided to come and in try and sound SO witty. Again, please be quiet, this is not a room for talking. And after sufficiently disturbing everyone, they decided they didn't like it and left, along with what was left of the precious steam! During this moment of clarity however, I realised that Mr.Scouse was in fact a small japanese man! I then became very aware of the zombie like state we had all taken up, wallowing in our own sweat, squished in a small space between some half naked old men.
At this point, I realised I could no longer go on sitting there, there may not have been any steam but my god the room was filled with awkward silence.
So finally I left, and as I shimmied out the door, the lifeguard watched me emerge with my now horrific panda eyes wondering why on earth I looked so stress. I feel like I had failed in the endurance test of awkwardness! Think I'll try the Sauna next time!