Another pretty face...

It's no secret that girls are plagued by body image issues and insecurities. But what I have noticed most, and what is scaring me the most is how accessible it is becoming. Not because I am against plastic surgery/enhancement, but because its now not just for the rich and famous, but in my own circle of friends. Surgical enhancement is no longer a celebrity standard, it's a public norm. This does not come from a girl preaching for natural beauty, but from a girl distressed that she can no longer keep up with the standards.

This distress began with Lip Fillers. Which I like to refer to as the entry drug. Getting your lips done has always been a thing, for glamour models, or older ladies. Which was fine. However, thanks to this cruel world and its trends, lip fillers is now for anyone over the age of 18 who likes to wear lipstick and look great on Instagram. Its about taking yourself, and making it a little better because you can. I'm telling you now, nearly every single make up account on Instagram I follow, the girls have their lips done. Now when you see these beautiful voluminous lips on a daily basis, of course you want them too. These aren't celebs, these are everyday girls that I know personally, and if they do it, why shouldn't I? I have a degree in research so of course I looked deep into it as I became more interested. And the next step was going to a couple of clinics to get some insight. I could write a whole other blog post of my experience in these places but the biggest thing that came out of it was how easy it is. You go in, they sit you down, talk you through the procedure and how easy and fuss free it is and offer to book you in. And it really is that easy. An appointment to get your lips done is around 30mins, it cost £200-300 and boom you're beautiful. There's obviously a lot that comes with it, aka they only last 3-6months, top ups are needed and with anything there are risks. But all in all, in 30 mins you can defy genetics to be that little more beautiful. The woman was practically unwrapping the needles before I could say no. And why did I say no? Tbh, it came down to the fact that whilst £200 is affordable, its actually a lot of money just to feed my own vanity. That kinda money could help towards rent, saving for a house, food, something a little more productive than 0.5mls of Juvederm. But I was bloody close to doing it, and had I won £200 on a scratch card, you'd be calling me Kylie Jenner as we speak.

Now for a slightly bigger procedure, Breast Implants. I have always been conscious of having a smaller chest. In recent years I have grown to love my little boobs. They are the most perfect shape and kinda suit my tiny frame. I never have to worry when it comes to fitting in outfits (which helps in fashion). I had become entirely comfortable with being the ass girl. Then a close friend of mine got implants and again it made me realise how easy it is. This insecurity that I have had since I was small could so easily be fixed. Yes I had grown to accept it, but why accept it when I could just change it? I was recently sat on a beach with a couple of guys and they spent a good hour discussing boobs, and I just looked down at myself and was repulsed. I felt like a little boy. Why be the ass girls when I could be the boobs and ass girl? Although even after the boob job you still get judged for them not being natural. Its such a lose lose game. Again, I looked into it, and usually this kinda thing you would NEVER be able to afford at 22, but boom, here come the finance plans. Suddenly for a small amount of money each month I would be able to fill out those beautiful lingerie sets, balance out my body shape and feel like a girl for once. It pains me to think that the money I would now be spending on a body shape could go towards saving up for a future, or god forbid helping someone in need but I can't help being overwhelmed by these insecurities.

I could go on about all the procedures I want, when you walk into these places they offer you entire packages. They point out things you didn't even know were wrong, like you can get fillers to plump out the dip in the bridge of your nose, laser hair removal for your nipples, microdermabrasion for your skin (don't get me started on my skin). I even got recommended botox at 22 in order to prevent wrinkles from forming. I mean who wouldn't want to be the ultimate woman? All you need is money (and luckily for me I don't have enough of it, or my obsessions would be out of hand at this point).

Having had a full breakdown about how ugly my body and I are, and how I need to spend all my hard earned money on these things to make me beautiful... something very sad dawned on me. I used to be so proud of myself. I used to compete with girls by acing my exams, being elected as prefect every year at school, being senior prefect, always winning every project and every competition I ever entered, always getting the boy I wanted, walking straight into my dream job the day after I graduated, for the love of god - Coca-Cola sponsored me to run with the olympic torch for being an inspiration, and here I am feeling worthless because I don't get valued like those beautiful girls with their clothes off on Instagram. (Again, no disrespect, the jealousy is real). People like me because Im not just another pretty face, and sometimes I need reminding of that.

So in conclusion, I can't say I won't be getting anything done, as lets be honest, it's as common as getting your hair bleached now a days and its only going to get worse. And unless Fashion starts paying better, I may have to start taking my clothes off for Instagram too. But until I can afford to do that, I will be channeling my energy back into being the ambitious geeky kid who believed she could be the best at everything, before society sank its teeth in.

xoxo

For my friends...

How you look doesn't matter,

I cannot see it anymore, 

I see only your soul,

I see into your core

The clothes on your body,

the make-up on your skin,

Still nothing changes

You're always my kin

You can act how you like,

I'll still know its you,

and when you look your worst

it's still my favourite view

When you don't feel good enough,

know that you always are,

The love you have shown me,

is what carries me far

You are deep in my foundations,

too deep to erase

you are always and forever

you are not a phase

You are all of the memories,

which power my brain

the fibres of my heart

which shield me from pain

You first taught me to love

taught me to feel

where others have failed me

you taught me to heal

I wish you could see yourself,

 from my point of view

The exquisite beauty,

and the perfect hue

One day you'll fall in love,

say you've found the one

but know you've served your purpose

long before they came along

My life has been enriched,

Ive been set in your cast, 

I will never forget,

I can't erase the past 

I will always be thankful,

you are the very things,

that have pieced me together

the song my heart sings. 

I don't know about you... But Im feeling 22.

This is going to be another one of those blogs where Im hopefully writing what everyone else is thinking, despite some perhaps controversial comments. So lets talk about being 22..

This time last year, I was panicking about what to do with my life. I was nearing finals, and suddenly you don't have something to return to after summer. For the first time in my entire life, September was not the beginning of some sort of term. Having not even got through the most stressful period of your life, with exams and dissertation madness, suddenly you're the worst child in the world because you haven't secured a job, got married, bought a home and had 3 kids by June. I mean come on parents, LEAVE US ALONE. I get it, they've supported us through everything and quite frankly funded us through most of it too, but when you've not had an education free moment since leaving nappies, its nice to have a couple of weeks of summer before you join the rat race. And just a breather from the dilapidating anxiety, to get your life together. 

But for those of you currently in that period, you will find a job. It will come out of nowhere and you just have to apply for anything, but do not worry! Its when you get a job that you have to worry...

I realise not everyones in the same position as me, but I know a lot of my friends who are. Suddenly you have two choices. You can move home for a bit, which drives you insane because your parents pick up where they left off at 16 and start asking you where you're going, when you'll be home and god forbid a male enters the household. Or you can stay moved out, for your own independence and not be able to afford to eat. I work in London, and the current climate of rent prices in London means I would have to pay 75% of my salary, in order to go to work and earn money, which goes straight into the small room I would be renting, in order to be able to get to work. How do society expect us to ever progress if all our money is going on rent? Luckily for me, I am able to commute from my parents home which means I do have the ability to save a bit of money, but it comes at the price of independence and my parents good will. Its such a stark difference from our parents generation too, no wonder they can't understand it sometimes. Where I'm from, by their early twenties they were married, and had bought their first apartment for £3,000. You know what I could get for £3k now a days? 3 months rent in London or two thirds of my annual travel card. So please stop judging me for not having moved out yet! Ironically as well, all my friends who didn't go to university are in a position to get mortgages and move out. Sure university means we may have access to higher salary jobs in some cases (I wouldn't have my dream job without my degree), but we also have 50k debt and no idea what its like to support ourselves. So what I'm asking is, couldn't their be a more realistic system which allows us to progress in this life without completely corrupting ourselves financially? I mean how could we have got this far without our parents? And what do those people do who don't get financial support? I fear the answer is, they don't get the same opportunities. Which is absolutely disgusting and makes me realise how bloody lucky (and grateful!) I am. But sadly, if we keep heading the same way, despite doing everything in life I was supposed to do, I won't be able to provide the same for my children. 

The other issue I don't think anyone addresses is the state of our mental health. With so much societal and financial pressure to have your lives together in a world which is working against us, most of us have experienced severe depression or anxiety by now. It's just not easy to find a job/house/boyfriend when you can barely find the will to live? You mix that with living alone in a dingy room somewhere in Zone 3-6, where you can't afford to venture out to see other human beings, and you have the recipe for disaster. I mean you're spending your entire pay cheque to live in one of the most exciting cities in the world, but suddenly you're looking at the same badly plastered walls each night, eating cereal for dinner and searching Tinder for a way out of this misery. But it's ok, because according to Instagram, we're living the dream. 

So there it is, my current anger at London living costs, being an adult-child and the statistics of mental health in 16-24 year olds.  And they wonder why we're always drunk?

xoxo

Happy Valentines

This isn't a post where I pretend I wouldn't bloody love a million roses (and gerberas!) and a night in cuddling someone I care about because NOBODY is immune to cuddles. I had a boyfriend last year who treated me and it was great. But this years things are different and thats ok.

But you know what, I'm not sad that this Valentines that I don't have a date. Because I'm devoting my love to those who have been there from the beginning...

Those who stayed up chatting all night about our hopes and dreams...

And now smile watching me live them...

Those who cried with me through the pain...

And those who refused to let me give up...

Those who believed in me more than I believed in myself...

And those who don't judge me when I screw up...

Those who watched me change, and still love every bone of me...

And those who know how I feel, before I've even felt it...

Those who never tell me they told me so...

And those who did tell me so...

Those who despite going their separate ways in life always return...

Happy Valentines to my best friends, because you guys are the true loves of my life forever and always.

and you don't need a valentines to feel loved because no other human could ever adore you as much as I do.

xoxo

You should go and love yourself...

I could review my entire year but I have to be up at 5am so instead I'm gonna keep this short...

The best advice I can give you is to concentrate on yourself. Don't just survive in life, only do stuff if its 100% what you want.

I get up at 5am everyday and do a 2 hour commute to my job, and I bloody love it. I live for my job. Not only is it loads of fun but it challenges me and makes me wanna do better every single day. I am around the most talented, intellectual and ambitious team which make me wanna work even harder. I get stressed sometimes, but I have totally surprised myself with what I'm capable of and that is what we should all be striving to do. When I worked in retail, it was easy fun, I loved the people, it paid for my lifestyle but looking back it wasn't what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. Don't do a job for the money, the world is your oyster. I don't care what you think is holding you back, Its never too late to start completely again, go start a course, or apply for a new job. Its so easy to apply for stuff on the internet now a days, theres really no excuse. I didn't get my dream job through luck, I did my degree, I did some part time work and I applied for jobs and got one! Please don't ever settle for anything less than what makes you happy... People are always gonna be cynical, they're going to tell you its too hard, or out of your reach, but it's not. The worst thing you can do is be stuck in the same place this time next year.

Another huge thing I've learnt is to love when you're ready not when you're lonely. I have always been the girl who thought you were nothing unless you had a boyfriend or that a relationship would be able to fix my unhappiness. But it's actually so much more rewarding to be too busy working on yourself to need someone else.  Don't get me wrong, I get lonely and I always want cuddles but you have to love yourself before you let someone else love you otherwise you're going to try and fill that emptiness with your relationship. You should never make someone your entire life, because when things go wrong you'll have nothing left and thats exactly what I've been doing wrong. Its so much easier to cope with break-ups when you have a life to continue after them. I wanna be able to inspire the person I am with and vice versa. Relationships should help grow you, not keep you the same or worse, drag you down. Be worth falling in love with before you put yourself out there.

Life is gonna have its challenges this year, horrible things are gonna happen whether you like it or not, and equally no doubt you will have some of the best times of your life. The only things you can control is the roots you set. Have good friends, make them know you're grateful for them. Have a support network so that whatever comes this year, you are ready to face it. We live on such a beautiful planet, look around and start appreciating the little things rather than getting caught up in the first world problems (aka southeastern trains!!).

At the end of the day, my blessings outweigh my problems and for that I am forever grateful.

In the words of Justin Bieber, go and love yourself ;)

xoxo

"You're going to do a blog post about your calf muscles?" - Elle Morse, 2015

First of all, this post is not here to answer stupid questions like "Won't you regret that when you're older?". My ass ain't gonna look so great at that age either but there is nothing I can do about that!

Instead I'm going to talk through my recent tattoos, why I got them and generally my experience of being tattooed. Also, not everyone's tattoos mean something, sometimes they're just pieces of artwork. I just seem to have a hell of a lot of emotional issues ha. 

People always ask me why "I'm getting covered" and the answer is not because its cool. There is nothing cool about being under a needle for hours or having to heal a raw/swollen wound for weeks. Getting my calf done was the most excruciating pain I have been through, you just wouldn't go through it unless you really believed in the cause. So heres the honest answer, it makes me view my body in a positive way. I have always been absolutely obsessed with my body, as this blog demonstrates. If you've read my previous posts you'll know that I have always struggled to love my body. At the beginning of this year I hit 7 stone, I was a size zero, I no longer had periods and I was severely malnourished. And you know what? I bloody loved it. I loved that I could fit into any style of clothing and even at such an unhealthy weight, it still was never enough. I honestly don't think I'd ever be pleased until I became a skeleton. In my head, you can never be too skinny. And even then, there are things I will hate about my body. These hang ups have what have driven placement of my tattoos and I will talk about this in more detail with each tattoo. 6 months on, I have finally got back to a healthy weight, my periods never came back so had to induce them with the pill. Dieting so hard may have ruined my fertility, but at least I was skinny for a while...(What an idiot). In my head, I am fat and feel hugely uncomfortable with my body. The only reason I am not freaking out and dieting again is because my job is distracting me and I am trying to realise health is more important than being tiny. And you have to give it to the Kardashian's, they're making curves popular which is never a bad thing, so I am trying to embrace that! So going back to my original point, I think if you ask most heavily tattooed people why they have tattoos, it'll stem from some sort of insecurity. And personally I think its beautiful that an art form is being used as a therapy to combat this. 

So lets talk detail...

So most peoples first reactions when they see this are either "That is huge" or "That is a bit scary for such a pretty young girl". Back handed compliments are the best haha. This was my first ever big tattoo, I had just broken up with my boyfriend who previously held my hand through everything I did and this was one of the first things I did on my own despite my crippling anxiety. I decided to go to Antony and gave him a fair amount of free reign when it came to composition and size of this tattoo. I had simply specified I wanted a black and grey realistic skull surrounded by my favourite flowers. But it came out more perfect that I could have ever imagined. I guess thats why you pay a good artist haha! So why the dark imagery? Well it is a very literal and also a metaphorical representation of my mothers death in my life. Many people think I am just this 'young pretty girl' but if you're close enough to know me, you'll know the dark experiences I have faced throughout periods of my life and I wanted to represent this on the outside of me. Death leaves an incredibly dark and permanent shadow in your life, that isn't glamorous at all, much like this tattoo. Life isn't all sunshine and rainbows, people need to stop ignoring this fact and embrace the very real horrors of life. This experience has hugely impacted me, and I care about that more then I care about looking 'pretty'. However, in contrast to the skull, the surrounding flowers represent the beauty that came out of this experience, I definitely grew as a person and was surrounded and protected by such love and people. Daisies are for positivity, Roses are for love. 

Placement wise, I went for my thigh because as the name of this blog suggests, I hate my thighs. Now when I look in the mirror, instead of seeing fat thighs, I see this complex and beautiful artwork. This tattoo is probably still my favourite one of them all (despite the fact Antony keeps outdoing himself). It's the most personal and real representation of me. 

The second tattoo I had done by Antony were these red roses. There's less of an emotional background to this imagery however still represents a beautiful chapter in my life. Getting your arm tattooed isn't a decision to be taken lightly (especially when you come from a very traditional village ha.) It's going to be visible, in workwear, in your wedding dress blah blah. Lots of people close to me were not happy when I had this done, but when did I ever listen ;) I was always conscious about getting my arm done before I had secured my career, as unfortunately we do live in a world still where in some careers, this can hold you back. However, during this month I had graduated and the very next day been offered my job at Topshop Head Office. I never could have dreamed I would be able to do something I love, for good money and still have the freedom to be who I wanted to be. I could write a whole other post on how much I love my job so perhaps I will. So anyway this tattoo represents the time of my life when I realised all the education paid off, and I could earn a living and express myself however I want without being held back by society. I was terrified I had made a mistake when I was getting it done, however it's such a relief to defy what everyone else tells you, and not be scared by what others think or say. Before this tattoo, I thought all my tattoos would be black and gothic as thats exactly how my mind was at that time. The bold colour in this tattoo is strikingly illustrative of me falling back in love with life and bringing colour back to my thoughts. On a more detailed level, this tattoo contains several of my favourite things. Pearls being the obvious since I am a mermaid. The blue gem is my birthstone. The red roses represent passion and romance, whilst the thorns show that with beauty can be ferocity. Something my personality seems to have a lot of. Finally the beautiful deep green leaves (which are my favourite element) can be associated with most of my weekends which are spent in nature reserves and parks with my beloved canines. Nature is my therapy and so it makes me a happy girl to be able to take a little bit of that with me everyday to the big smoke. 

So this is my most recent tattoo. Many might think this was on a whim, but ofcourse with me there is a deep explanation ;) Anyone in my family will instantly get the reference to my aunty who is obsessed with all things Ladybird. I made the decision to get something to represent my aunty after the last few of years of her being my rock. Comparable to a diamond, she is also almost impossible to break. She has been through so much and yet never falls apart. Since my mum died, she has made sure I am not any less loved, treating me like her own daughter. She makes sure I always have that female influence in my life. She takes me on spa days, treats me to all things beauty and fashion and without her, I would probably be a boy :) I know I can tell her anything, and get very real advice back. I wish I was as strong and glamorous as her and as well as this tattoo, I am in awe of her. She has 100% shaped who I am today and because of her I know I am always loved and that is what keeps me together during my darkest times. Deciding on this placement was a tough one, but in the end we went for my calf muscle, just below my knee. I hate this part of my body more than anywhere else. I have genetically muscly calf muscles, as my brother so kindly pointed out to me as a nipper. I remember being at such a young age and googling "How to get your calf muscles minimised or surgically removed' (Turns out you actually can!) This tattoo had a huge response on social media, including a famous beauty CEO retweeting it (Exciting girl thing!). Again, this area which used to be associated with deep seated insecurity and hatred is now associated to positivity and beauty. I really wanted this tattoo to be special and I think you'll agree Ant did this one justice. I now can't walk to work without getting stopped at least once a day on Oxford Street without someone asking who did my tattoos. 

All in all, many may think these tattoos are just a phase, or a show piece but they are representative of so much more, they'll be a part of me forever, just like the memories attached to them. Getting tattooed really is an emotional experience and one that will continue. I cannot thank Antony Flemming enough for taking the time to understand me and create such beautiful works of art that I get to keep forever.  I am so lucky to have such an exceptional tattoo artist who I can trust to create perfection consistantly and who's artwork has made a huge impact on my life emotionally. For that he should be incredibly proud. If I write anymore his ego may explode so I'll leave it there. 

xoxo

https://instagram.com/antonyflemming

https://www.facebook.com/Antonytattoo.london

Do what you want :)

I'll keep this short because I barely have time to wash and eat (never mind sleep) with my new job but I have something to say...

BE WHO EVER THE HELL YOU WANNA BE AND DON'T LET WHAT ANYONE SAYS HOLD YOU BACK.

It's really beautiful when you give in to being yourself. 

I'll get whatever tattoos wherever I want because the artwork makes me happy every single day, even when I'm old and wrinkly. 

I'm not the best singer in the world but I love it, and making music soothes my soul. Especially when I'm hanging out with genuinely talented people.

I love drawing, I'm equally as rubbish at that too but its my therapy and has been since I was a little girl. Never grow out of arts and crafts.

I love nature, I spend everyday in one of the most exciting capital cities in the world surrounded by incredible technology, but nothing beats the complex beauty of creation. Give me all the money in the world and dog walks would still be my favourite thing. 

Sometimes I dress like a goth and sometimes I dress like a girly girl, I'm not a chameleon, I'm just wearing what I feel like. It's fun being something different everyday, changing my physical appearance doesn't change my personality, please don't get confused. 

I write blog posts like this, which I'm sure many people make comments about, but I won't stop writing just to please people who are lame enough to put me down in the first place. I don't want to 'block out the haters', I want the hating to not exist in the first place. Be a nice person. 

Life is completely subjective, make it your experience and make it a happy one. 

Oh and get rid of the negative vibes :) 

xoxo