University blues...

So I decided to write this post, mainly as therapy for myself and hopefully it will help anyone out there feeling the same as me!

I hate University.

But I do love learning. Sometimes I feel like I'm 2 years behind in my life. At my school we had to pick A-levels 2 years early, and when I picked them I wasn't ready to decide what I wanted to do in university, nor for the rest of my life and honestly if I could go back I'd have done completely different ones! And it made my life very hard since I was put under a huge amount of pressure to do well and to get into a top of the league table university, alongside the crushing pressure of being a Senior Prefect which for those not in know is affectively an unpaid staff job!
Credit to myself, I did do well and I got offered a place at the University of Exeter. Which is such a prestigious university and everyone was so proud.. and I think thats the problem. I spent so much time trying to impress everyone else that I didn't take anytime to think about myself and what I wanted. The whole summer I knew I didn't wanna move away from home and study somewhere which would put me under even more pressure and I'd be surrounded by people who naturally could cope with the level of education which would have made me feel entirely inadequate since Im more of a hard worker than a natural genius. Anyway, everyone was telling me how normal it was to feel apprehensive of university and how it would be the best days of my life. So it came to my enrolment weekend and I went to Exeter and moved into my nice bedroom, with an en-suit. And honestly, it was the worst experience of my life. I hated that my life was in one room, I knew nobody and was far away from home. I began to get cabin fever and as night fell all you could here were unruly freshers getting drunk and having fights. Now call me a baby, but I have incredible trouble with anxiety, so going out, getting drunk and generally doing anything but being cosy in bed is a serious fear of mine. (One which I am trying to work on!) I tried to talk to the people in my block but I just knew this wasn't right for me at all, and Im the kind of girl who when she decides something, its concrete.
My Dad, Extended family and boyfriend (at the time) were on Skype to me, and I was hysterical. I think they thought I had killed a man or something as I was inconsolable. Even my family could see in me that something wasn't right and this wasn't just homesickness. (I didn't miss them that much yet haha!) So my dad agreed to come back to Exeter (as if a 12 hour round trip wasn't enough) and try and console me. In the time it took him to get there, I decided I ought to have a shower, since I hadn't washed in god knows how long and the plumbing in my room was blocked. So when I got out the cubicle, I stepped into a foot of water, which had entirely flooded my room (lucky I hadn't even bothered to unpack my stuff out of the plastic waterproof boxes!)
So long story short, my dad had no inclination of actually letting me leave university but by the end of the evening, I was on my home to Kent and away from the cows!
I didn't want to give up on University entirely, since it had been drummed into me education was the be all and end all. So I looked up online potentially studying at the University of Kent and commuting. After a million and one phone calls, UCAS changes and stress I was enrolled at Kent doing Psychology.
I still was very anxious going to lectures and meeting new people and petty things like being late and getting lost but I imagine they really were normal apprehensions! However, the comfort of returning to my own home each day really got me through. And if you don't know much about my circumstances, I live with my father, who works really long days and my brother at this point was still living in London, studying his Masters. So I still was having to be independent and cook for myself, so in that sense I haven't really missed out of any important life lessons. And I honestly do not regret coming home at all, even two years later it was the best decision of my life. And I have made great friends, and its not caused me any stress having to commute etc.
Without getting too deep, I think this was the first time I had realised how much the loss of my mum has affected me. Although I had always had anxiety due to being bubble wrapped! It had now reached the point where I had really isolated myself. I think when you get so hurt and thrown out of sorts in life, it scares you to do anything out of your comfort zone because all you wanna be is secure and stable. I had done such a good job of keeping it together, and got so lost in being such a success in my family eyes, I hadn't even realised the breakdown I was actually having inside! And I has become very closeted, I didn't go out like everyone else and at my age if you're not in a nightclub drinking, there is something severely wrong with you. And people noticed it, and because I knew they noticed it, I felt different and its a self fulfilling prophecy from then on. Another interesting point which many of you may not realise is that Alcohol is the reason I lost my mother and because of that I have a very complicated relationship with it. And it upsets me when I see people bragging about getting smashed and I can't really explain it anymore than that. I do drink, not a lot and not often but I will have the odd celebration on New Years for instance. Again, Im not preaching about it because its something I really don't understand myself but since University was all about drinking and being crazy, it scared the life out of me! Because I knew I wasn't like that, and I knew it would upset me.
Two years on, and I can cope fine with university. I know where all my lectures are, I have friends and I have completely made a routine of the whole thing in a way that makes me feel ok about it. As long as I know what Im doing, and theres no surprises, I won't freak out!
However, now I've finally settled Im realising its really not what I want to do. I don't know if its just the lack of inspiring content in my course, or the fact Im growing up and realising what my real interests are. But I have no career plan in this field and I don't find my lectures or my work really interesting which is saddening at £9,000 a year. I go into uni four days a week and have on average about 2-4 hours of lectures a day. They still all cover the same stuff I did at A-level so despite being in year 2, I feel I haven't learnt anything extra yet and for some reason by university only has two terms, so I do september-december and then Late January- Early April and Im done! Which means on the face of it, my life is very easy and I can spend my time doing all the things I love such as the gym! But from a motivation and success point of view, my thoughts of the future and my prospects lack lustre.
So now I hit the dilemma of whether I carry on, since I only have 1.5 years left and I've already spent endless amount of money and time on it. Or whether I change and do something I actually will enjoy. It's just something Im wondering about as I never like to make rash decisions. Its just a shame that the pressure of going to university is thrust upon you faster than you have time to think about what you wanna do with your life. However, I don't want to end up with a degree in a years time and no prospect of a job because I haven't been inspired enough to look into internships etc. The general thought of going into the real world is scary enough!
So yes, thats my break down for you. I know a few of my friends feel like this and also are considering other paths. And some of my friends know exactly what they wanna do and love their degree courses and I am incredibly happy for you and honestly wish I was in the same position as you're probably getting value for your money. However, as much as I'd love to change course, I feel like too much investment has gone into it now, so I may just have to slog it out, and at the end of the day, a degree no matter what it is in, is worth a lot when it comes to employability. If I still decide its really not what I want to do, I can always go off and explore other learning options such as OU, College etc but to be honest I'll probably have changed my mind again by then!
So I guess the point of this post is not to have come to a resolve, as clearly this is not something you can decide over night. But to point out that life is a lot more complicated than just doing well in your A-levels and getting a great degree. And everyone doesn't know what they wanna be at this age, so its a shame were forced to make so many life-impacting decisions when we can't even cope with boyfriends and body image! All I want to say to you, is its ok to feel confused about everything! Its part of the curse of growing up in England, that education is the forefront of everyones mind, and its not a bad thing, but don't let your mental health deteriorate because of it!

I guess I just wish I was back in the days where the hardest decision was Squirtle, Charmanda or Bulbasaur...

xxx