Isla de Evangeline

So this post is inspired by the bit in 'About a Boy' in which Hugh Grant describes himself as an island. Long story short its where you develop a way of life completely self-indulged and generally in solace. And unfortunately this has reminded me of myself a lot lately…

I tend not to discuss relationships on my blog, in order not to hurt anyone involved, however it wouldn't be 'LOVE, lies and thunder thighs' without some mention of my love life…

Unfortunately my last relationship of around 3 years ended, and since then I have been in a self-rehabilitation process of trying to rebuild myself a life, since my last one revolved around my boyfriend. In doing this I completely filled my time with university, my job, involving myself with the church, blogging, seeing friends, exercising, and taking control of my diet. And although that doesn't seem like too hard a life, its incredibly stressful to organise shift work around lectures, gym classes, meetings and maintain friendships! On top of that, I have been trying extremely hard to keep a strict diet, which includes a lot of cooking in advance, and organising meal plans etc. My life would fall apart if it wasn't for the 3 diaries I use to plan it!

My life had become a complete routine. Wake up, take my supplements, eat my pre-planned breakfast, attend my lectures, eat morning snacks, cook lunch, more supplements, go to work, come home, eat again, attend gym classes, cook dinner, wash, organise my diary and sleep, repeat. And being the anxious type, having such a structure has really helped me cope with all the goings on!

However, I seem to have forgotten to timetable in fun and a relationship. It seems I was so caught up in organising and coping I'd left no room for spontaneity never mind a boyfriend. I always think about being alone, who doesn't want to be in love, but the fact of the matter is, right now I don't know where I'd fit him in! Its something I am struggling with recently, as the more I spend time with someone, the less my routine functions which stresses me out. But which is more important? Obviously a balance can be found, but it just seems like another thing to try and slot into my schedule. I'm not sure I can take on much more commitment!

I just love my life of keeping fit and healthy, and drinking tea with my dogs, and blogging and doing everything I want to do on my time and the thought of breaking that habit is so daunting for me!

Perhaps, since I was cheated on, this is my way of protecting myself and letting nobody else in. And perhaps its good for me to be so independent and find myself after having been consumed by another person for so long. And Im only 20, nows the best time to do the things I want to do!

As well as this, being single is a totally new way of life for me. Suddenly I can do what I want, when I want, dress how I like, blog about what I like, flirt with whoever I want, see whoever I want, be with friends and family and not constantly have to worry about being or contacting another person. Being so independent has been a breath of fresh air for me, and has meant I have spent so much time with a lot of my friends which I fear I wouldn't have done if I was still in a relationship… Relationships are a lot of work, but then maybe if I was with the right person they wouldn't be.

But the right person would have to be someone who understood my constant need for organisation, eating specific foods at specific times, sleeping and waking at specific times, following the same routine consistently, and being able to give me space on top of that. And understanding why I do it, and not trying to lure me into having a Dominoes night or skipping training sessions/meals. And thats a lot for somebody to deal with!

I feel like wherever a relationship is involved, theres always drama. The second you even admit to liking someone, you are no longer allowed to speak to certain people, or act in a certain way and I don't like being told what to do! Not that my last boyfriend physically stopped me, its just the nature of being with someone and not wanting to upset them!

I never understood people who didn't want a girlfriend/boyfriend, but now Im maturing, Im starting to understand it more and more. And currently I feel so secure with my best friends and family that Im not looking for someone to lean on and share my happiness and sorrows with, as I already have that in abundance. And a life without arguments and having someone to depend on you is so care-free and easy! My biggest problem is Im such a flirt, and I do enjoy the attention that comes with boys chasing you, but I know in my heart although its fun, its not a sustainable life… but being single isn't such a sin is it?

However, I realise I can't be alone forever nor is it healthy to have such a controlled routine in my life and perhaps I should come round to the idea of letting somebody co-habit on Isle de Evangeline! Eventually….