Another pretty face...

It's no secret that girls are plagued by body image issues and insecurities. But what I have noticed most, and what is scaring me the most is how accessible it is becoming. Not because I am against plastic surgery/enhancement, but because its now not just for the rich and famous, but in my own circle of friends. Surgical enhancement is no longer a celebrity standard, it's a public norm. This does not come from a girl preaching for natural beauty, but from a girl distressed that she can no longer keep up with the standards.

This distress began with Lip Fillers. Which I like to refer to as the entry drug. Getting your lips done has always been a thing, for glamour models, or older ladies. Which was fine. However, thanks to this cruel world and its trends, lip fillers is now for anyone over the age of 18 who likes to wear lipstick and look great on Instagram. Its about taking yourself, and making it a little better because you can. I'm telling you now, nearly every single make up account on Instagram I follow, the girls have their lips done. Now when you see these beautiful voluminous lips on a daily basis, of course you want them too. These aren't celebs, these are everyday girls that I know personally, and if they do it, why shouldn't I? I have a degree in research so of course I looked deep into it as I became more interested. And the next step was going to a couple of clinics to get some insight. I could write a whole other blog post of my experience in these places but the biggest thing that came out of it was how easy it is. You go in, they sit you down, talk you through the procedure and how easy and fuss free it is and offer to book you in. And it really is that easy. An appointment to get your lips done is around 30mins, it cost £200-300 and boom you're beautiful. There's obviously a lot that comes with it, aka they only last 3-6months, top ups are needed and with anything there are risks. But all in all, in 30 mins you can defy genetics to be that little more beautiful. The woman was practically unwrapping the needles before I could say no. And why did I say no? Tbh, it came down to the fact that whilst £200 is affordable, its actually a lot of money just to feed my own vanity. That kinda money could help towards rent, saving for a house, food, something a little more productive than 0.5mls of Juvederm. But I was bloody close to doing it, and had I won £200 on a scratch card, you'd be calling me Kylie Jenner as we speak.

Now for a slightly bigger procedure, Breast Implants. I have always been conscious of having a smaller chest. In recent years I have grown to love my little boobs. They are the most perfect shape and kinda suit my tiny frame. I never have to worry when it comes to fitting in outfits (which helps in fashion). I had become entirely comfortable with being the ass girl. Then a close friend of mine got implants and again it made me realise how easy it is. This insecurity that I have had since I was small could so easily be fixed. Yes I had grown to accept it, but why accept it when I could just change it? I was recently sat on a beach with a couple of guys and they spent a good hour discussing boobs, and I just looked down at myself and was repulsed. I felt like a little boy. Why be the ass girls when I could be the boobs and ass girl? Although even after the boob job you still get judged for them not being natural. Its such a lose lose game. Again, I looked into it, and usually this kinda thing you would NEVER be able to afford at 22, but boom, here come the finance plans. Suddenly for a small amount of money each month I would be able to fill out those beautiful lingerie sets, balance out my body shape and feel like a girl for once. It pains me to think that the money I would now be spending on a body shape could go towards saving up for a future, or god forbid helping someone in need but I can't help being overwhelmed by these insecurities.

I could go on about all the procedures I want, when you walk into these places they offer you entire packages. They point out things you didn't even know were wrong, like you can get fillers to plump out the dip in the bridge of your nose, laser hair removal for your nipples, microdermabrasion for your skin (don't get me started on my skin). I even got recommended botox at 22 in order to prevent wrinkles from forming. I mean who wouldn't want to be the ultimate woman? All you need is money (and luckily for me I don't have enough of it, or my obsessions would be out of hand at this point).

Having had a full breakdown about how ugly my body and I are, and how I need to spend all my hard earned money on these things to make me beautiful... something very sad dawned on me. I used to be so proud of myself. I used to compete with girls by acing my exams, being elected as prefect every year at school, being senior prefect, always winning every project and every competition I ever entered, always getting the boy I wanted, walking straight into my dream job the day after I graduated, for the love of god - Coca-Cola sponsored me to run with the olympic torch for being an inspiration, and here I am feeling worthless because I don't get valued like those beautiful girls with their clothes off on Instagram. (Again, no disrespect, the jealousy is real). People like me because Im not just another pretty face, and sometimes I need reminding of that.

So in conclusion, I can't say I won't be getting anything done, as lets be honest, it's as common as getting your hair bleached now a days and its only going to get worse. And unless Fashion starts paying better, I may have to start taking my clothes off for Instagram too. But until I can afford to do that, I will be channeling my energy back into being the ambitious geeky kid who believed she could be the best at everything, before society sank its teeth in.

xoxo

For my friends...

How you look doesn't matter,

I cannot see it anymore, 

I see only your soul,

I see into your core

The clothes on your body,

the make-up on your skin,

Still nothing changes

You're always my kin

You can act how you like,

I'll still know its you,

and when you look your worst

it's still my favourite view

When you don't feel good enough,

know that you always are,

The love you have shown me,

is what carries me far

You are deep in my foundations,

too deep to erase

you are always and forever

you are not a phase

You are all of the memories,

which power my brain

the fibres of my heart

which shield me from pain

You first taught me to love

taught me to feel

where others have failed me

you taught me to heal

I wish you could see yourself,

 from my point of view

The exquisite beauty,

and the perfect hue

One day you'll fall in love,

say you've found the one

but know you've served your purpose

long before they came along

My life has been enriched,

Ive been set in your cast, 

I will never forget,

I can't erase the past 

I will always be thankful,

you are the very things,

that have pieced me together

the song my heart sings. 

I don't know about you... But Im feeling 22.

This is going to be another one of those blogs where Im hopefully writing what everyone else is thinking, despite some perhaps controversial comments. So lets talk about being 22..

This time last year, I was panicking about what to do with my life. I was nearing finals, and suddenly you don't have something to return to after summer. For the first time in my entire life, September was not the beginning of some sort of term. Having not even got through the most stressful period of your life, with exams and dissertation madness, suddenly you're the worst child in the world because you haven't secured a job, got married, bought a home and had 3 kids by June. I mean come on parents, LEAVE US ALONE. I get it, they've supported us through everything and quite frankly funded us through most of it too, but when you've not had an education free moment since leaving nappies, its nice to have a couple of weeks of summer before you join the rat race. And just a breather from the dilapidating anxiety, to get your life together. 

But for those of you currently in that period, you will find a job. It will come out of nowhere and you just have to apply for anything, but do not worry! Its when you get a job that you have to worry...

I realise not everyones in the same position as me, but I know a lot of my friends who are. Suddenly you have two choices. You can move home for a bit, which drives you insane because your parents pick up where they left off at 16 and start asking you where you're going, when you'll be home and god forbid a male enters the household. Or you can stay moved out, for your own independence and not be able to afford to eat. I work in London, and the current climate of rent prices in London means I would have to pay 75% of my salary, in order to go to work and earn money, which goes straight into the small room I would be renting, in order to be able to get to work. How do society expect us to ever progress if all our money is going on rent? Luckily for me, I am able to commute from my parents home which means I do have the ability to save a bit of money, but it comes at the price of independence and my parents good will. Its such a stark difference from our parents generation too, no wonder they can't understand it sometimes. Where I'm from, by their early twenties they were married, and had bought their first apartment for £3,000. You know what I could get for £3k now a days? 3 months rent in London or two thirds of my annual travel card. So please stop judging me for not having moved out yet! Ironically as well, all my friends who didn't go to university are in a position to get mortgages and move out. Sure university means we may have access to higher salary jobs in some cases (I wouldn't have my dream job without my degree), but we also have 50k debt and no idea what its like to support ourselves. So what I'm asking is, couldn't their be a more realistic system which allows us to progress in this life without completely corrupting ourselves financially? I mean how could we have got this far without our parents? And what do those people do who don't get financial support? I fear the answer is, they don't get the same opportunities. Which is absolutely disgusting and makes me realise how bloody lucky (and grateful!) I am. But sadly, if we keep heading the same way, despite doing everything in life I was supposed to do, I won't be able to provide the same for my children. 

The other issue I don't think anyone addresses is the state of our mental health. With so much societal and financial pressure to have your lives together in a world which is working against us, most of us have experienced severe depression or anxiety by now. It's just not easy to find a job/house/boyfriend when you can barely find the will to live? You mix that with living alone in a dingy room somewhere in Zone 3-6, where you can't afford to venture out to see other human beings, and you have the recipe for disaster. I mean you're spending your entire pay cheque to live in one of the most exciting cities in the world, but suddenly you're looking at the same badly plastered walls each night, eating cereal for dinner and searching Tinder for a way out of this misery. But it's ok, because according to Instagram, we're living the dream. 

So there it is, my current anger at London living costs, being an adult-child and the statistics of mental health in 16-24 year olds.  And they wonder why we're always drunk?

xoxo

Happy Valentines

This isn't a post where I pretend I wouldn't bloody love a million roses (and gerberas!) and a night in cuddling someone I care about because NOBODY is immune to cuddles. I had a boyfriend last year who treated me and it was great. But this years things are different and thats ok.

But you know what, I'm not sad that this Valentines that I don't have a date. Because I'm devoting my love to those who have been there from the beginning...

Those who stayed up chatting all night about our hopes and dreams...

And now smile watching me live them...

Those who cried with me through the pain...

And those who refused to let me give up...

Those who believed in me more than I believed in myself...

And those who don't judge me when I screw up...

Those who watched me change, and still love every bone of me...

And those who know how I feel, before I've even felt it...

Those who never tell me they told me so...

And those who did tell me so...

Those who despite going their separate ways in life always return...

Happy Valentines to my best friends, because you guys are the true loves of my life forever and always.

and you don't need a valentines to feel loved because no other human could ever adore you as much as I do.

xoxo

You should go and love yourself...

I could review my entire year but I have to be up at 5am so instead I'm gonna keep this short...

The best advice I can give you is to concentrate on yourself. Don't just survive in life, only do stuff if its 100% what you want.

I get up at 5am everyday and do a 2 hour commute to my job, and I bloody love it. I live for my job. Not only is it loads of fun but it challenges me and makes me wanna do better every single day. I am around the most talented, intellectual and ambitious team which make me wanna work even harder. I get stressed sometimes, but I have totally surprised myself with what I'm capable of and that is what we should all be striving to do. When I worked in retail, it was easy fun, I loved the people, it paid for my lifestyle but looking back it wasn't what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. Don't do a job for the money, the world is your oyster. I don't care what you think is holding you back, Its never too late to start completely again, go start a course, or apply for a new job. Its so easy to apply for stuff on the internet now a days, theres really no excuse. I didn't get my dream job through luck, I did my degree, I did some part time work and I applied for jobs and got one! Please don't ever settle for anything less than what makes you happy... People are always gonna be cynical, they're going to tell you its too hard, or out of your reach, but it's not. The worst thing you can do is be stuck in the same place this time next year.

Another huge thing I've learnt is to love when you're ready not when you're lonely. I have always been the girl who thought you were nothing unless you had a boyfriend or that a relationship would be able to fix my unhappiness. But it's actually so much more rewarding to be too busy working on yourself to need someone else.  Don't get me wrong, I get lonely and I always want cuddles but you have to love yourself before you let someone else love you otherwise you're going to try and fill that emptiness with your relationship. You should never make someone your entire life, because when things go wrong you'll have nothing left and thats exactly what I've been doing wrong. Its so much easier to cope with break-ups when you have a life to continue after them. I wanna be able to inspire the person I am with and vice versa. Relationships should help grow you, not keep you the same or worse, drag you down. Be worth falling in love with before you put yourself out there.

Life is gonna have its challenges this year, horrible things are gonna happen whether you like it or not, and equally no doubt you will have some of the best times of your life. The only things you can control is the roots you set. Have good friends, make them know you're grateful for them. Have a support network so that whatever comes this year, you are ready to face it. We live on such a beautiful planet, look around and start appreciating the little things rather than getting caught up in the first world problems (aka southeastern trains!!).

At the end of the day, my blessings outweigh my problems and for that I am forever grateful.

In the words of Justin Bieber, go and love yourself ;)

xoxo

"You're going to do a blog post about your calf muscles?" - Elle Morse, 2015

First of all, this post is not here to answer stupid questions like "Won't you regret that when you're older?". My ass ain't gonna look so great at that age either but there is nothing I can do about that!

Instead I'm going to talk through my recent tattoos, why I got them and generally my experience of being tattooed. Also, not everyone's tattoos mean something, sometimes they're just pieces of artwork. I just seem to have a hell of a lot of emotional issues ha. 

People always ask me why "I'm getting covered" and the answer is not because its cool. There is nothing cool about being under a needle for hours or having to heal a raw/swollen wound for weeks. Getting my calf done was the most excruciating pain I have been through, you just wouldn't go through it unless you really believed in the cause. So heres the honest answer, it makes me view my body in a positive way. I have always been absolutely obsessed with my body, as this blog demonstrates. If you've read my previous posts you'll know that I have always struggled to love my body. At the beginning of this year I hit 7 stone, I was a size zero, I no longer had periods and I was severely malnourished. And you know what? I bloody loved it. I loved that I could fit into any style of clothing and even at such an unhealthy weight, it still was never enough. I honestly don't think I'd ever be pleased until I became a skeleton. In my head, you can never be too skinny. And even then, there are things I will hate about my body. These hang ups have what have driven placement of my tattoos and I will talk about this in more detail with each tattoo. 6 months on, I have finally got back to a healthy weight, my periods never came back so had to induce them with the pill. Dieting so hard may have ruined my fertility, but at least I was skinny for a while...(What an idiot). In my head, I am fat and feel hugely uncomfortable with my body. The only reason I am not freaking out and dieting again is because my job is distracting me and I am trying to realise health is more important than being tiny. And you have to give it to the Kardashian's, they're making curves popular which is never a bad thing, so I am trying to embrace that! So going back to my original point, I think if you ask most heavily tattooed people why they have tattoos, it'll stem from some sort of insecurity. And personally I think its beautiful that an art form is being used as a therapy to combat this. 

So lets talk detail...

So most peoples first reactions when they see this are either "That is huge" or "That is a bit scary for such a pretty young girl". Back handed compliments are the best haha. This was my first ever big tattoo, I had just broken up with my boyfriend who previously held my hand through everything I did and this was one of the first things I did on my own despite my crippling anxiety. I decided to go to Antony and gave him a fair amount of free reign when it came to composition and size of this tattoo. I had simply specified I wanted a black and grey realistic skull surrounded by my favourite flowers. But it came out more perfect that I could have ever imagined. I guess thats why you pay a good artist haha! So why the dark imagery? Well it is a very literal and also a metaphorical representation of my mothers death in my life. Many people think I am just this 'young pretty girl' but if you're close enough to know me, you'll know the dark experiences I have faced throughout periods of my life and I wanted to represent this on the outside of me. Death leaves an incredibly dark and permanent shadow in your life, that isn't glamorous at all, much like this tattoo. Life isn't all sunshine and rainbows, people need to stop ignoring this fact and embrace the very real horrors of life. This experience has hugely impacted me, and I care about that more then I care about looking 'pretty'. However, in contrast to the skull, the surrounding flowers represent the beauty that came out of this experience, I definitely grew as a person and was surrounded and protected by such love and people. Daisies are for positivity, Roses are for love. 

Placement wise, I went for my thigh because as the name of this blog suggests, I hate my thighs. Now when I look in the mirror, instead of seeing fat thighs, I see this complex and beautiful artwork. This tattoo is probably still my favourite one of them all (despite the fact Antony keeps outdoing himself). It's the most personal and real representation of me. 

The second tattoo I had done by Antony were these red roses. There's less of an emotional background to this imagery however still represents a beautiful chapter in my life. Getting your arm tattooed isn't a decision to be taken lightly (especially when you come from a very traditional village ha.) It's going to be visible, in workwear, in your wedding dress blah blah. Lots of people close to me were not happy when I had this done, but when did I ever listen ;) I was always conscious about getting my arm done before I had secured my career, as unfortunately we do live in a world still where in some careers, this can hold you back. However, during this month I had graduated and the very next day been offered my job at Topshop Head Office. I never could have dreamed I would be able to do something I love, for good money and still have the freedom to be who I wanted to be. I could write a whole other post on how much I love my job so perhaps I will. So anyway this tattoo represents the time of my life when I realised all the education paid off, and I could earn a living and express myself however I want without being held back by society. I was terrified I had made a mistake when I was getting it done, however it's such a relief to defy what everyone else tells you, and not be scared by what others think or say. Before this tattoo, I thought all my tattoos would be black and gothic as thats exactly how my mind was at that time. The bold colour in this tattoo is strikingly illustrative of me falling back in love with life and bringing colour back to my thoughts. On a more detailed level, this tattoo contains several of my favourite things. Pearls being the obvious since I am a mermaid. The blue gem is my birthstone. The red roses represent passion and romance, whilst the thorns show that with beauty can be ferocity. Something my personality seems to have a lot of. Finally the beautiful deep green leaves (which are my favourite element) can be associated with most of my weekends which are spent in nature reserves and parks with my beloved canines. Nature is my therapy and so it makes me a happy girl to be able to take a little bit of that with me everyday to the big smoke. 

So this is my most recent tattoo. Many might think this was on a whim, but ofcourse with me there is a deep explanation ;) Anyone in my family will instantly get the reference to my aunty who is obsessed with all things Ladybird. I made the decision to get something to represent my aunty after the last few of years of her being my rock. Comparable to a diamond, she is also almost impossible to break. She has been through so much and yet never falls apart. Since my mum died, she has made sure I am not any less loved, treating me like her own daughter. She makes sure I always have that female influence in my life. She takes me on spa days, treats me to all things beauty and fashion and without her, I would probably be a boy :) I know I can tell her anything, and get very real advice back. I wish I was as strong and glamorous as her and as well as this tattoo, I am in awe of her. She has 100% shaped who I am today and because of her I know I am always loved and that is what keeps me together during my darkest times. Deciding on this placement was a tough one, but in the end we went for my calf muscle, just below my knee. I hate this part of my body more than anywhere else. I have genetically muscly calf muscles, as my brother so kindly pointed out to me as a nipper. I remember being at such a young age and googling "How to get your calf muscles minimised or surgically removed' (Turns out you actually can!) This tattoo had a huge response on social media, including a famous beauty CEO retweeting it (Exciting girl thing!). Again, this area which used to be associated with deep seated insecurity and hatred is now associated to positivity and beauty. I really wanted this tattoo to be special and I think you'll agree Ant did this one justice. I now can't walk to work without getting stopped at least once a day on Oxford Street without someone asking who did my tattoos. 

All in all, many may think these tattoos are just a phase, or a show piece but they are representative of so much more, they'll be a part of me forever, just like the memories attached to them. Getting tattooed really is an emotional experience and one that will continue. I cannot thank Antony Flemming enough for taking the time to understand me and create such beautiful works of art that I get to keep forever.  I am so lucky to have such an exceptional tattoo artist who I can trust to create perfection consistantly and who's artwork has made a huge impact on my life emotionally. For that he should be incredibly proud. If I write anymore his ego may explode so I'll leave it there. 

xoxo

https://instagram.com/antonyflemming

https://www.facebook.com/Antonytattoo.london

Do what you want :)

I'll keep this short because I barely have time to wash and eat (never mind sleep) with my new job but I have something to say...

BE WHO EVER THE HELL YOU WANNA BE AND DON'T LET WHAT ANYONE SAYS HOLD YOU BACK.

It's really beautiful when you give in to being yourself. 

I'll get whatever tattoos wherever I want because the artwork makes me happy every single day, even when I'm old and wrinkly. 

I'm not the best singer in the world but I love it, and making music soothes my soul. Especially when I'm hanging out with genuinely talented people.

I love drawing, I'm equally as rubbish at that too but its my therapy and has been since I was a little girl. Never grow out of arts and crafts.

I love nature, I spend everyday in one of the most exciting capital cities in the world surrounded by incredible technology, but nothing beats the complex beauty of creation. Give me all the money in the world and dog walks would still be my favourite thing. 

Sometimes I dress like a goth and sometimes I dress like a girly girl, I'm not a chameleon, I'm just wearing what I feel like. It's fun being something different everyday, changing my physical appearance doesn't change my personality, please don't get confused. 

I write blog posts like this, which I'm sure many people make comments about, but I won't stop writing just to please people who are lame enough to put me down in the first place. I don't want to 'block out the haters', I want the hating to not exist in the first place. Be a nice person. 

Life is completely subjective, make it your experience and make it a happy one. 

Oh and get rid of the negative vibes :) 

xoxo

When all you've got to keep is strong, Move Along.

The most important thing in life is to stay in love with yourself. Not in a narcissistic way. But the second you give up on yourself, you may as well not be living.

Keep pushing yourself. I think everyone needs a break after so many years of education to relax and enjoy no pressure, however don't give up on progression forever. Never settle. There is so much out there in the world for you, so many new people to meet, so many things to learn, mistakes to make and excitement to be had. Every month I look back and am constantly surprised by the new experiences I have had and how each new person has enriched my life. I never want to be in a place where nothing is new. I used to hate change because it terrified me, now the only thing that terrifies me is getting stuck in monotony.

 This year has been a difficult one for me, I broke up with the love of my life, I finished university and my family home was sold in order to begin a new chapter as a new family. For someone with an anxious personality, this uprooted everything I relied on. I got so caught up in anxiety and depression that I gave up on myself completely. Anxiety makes you dislike yourself a lot, and I didn't want anything for myself except security. At my darkest, I didn't want a tomorrow. I couldn't bare the thought of another day. Luckily for me, I had best friends who loved me when I couldn't love myself, I had a family which fed me, made sure I got out of bed in the morning and gave me everything I could ever need. I also cannot thank the people I work with enough for the constant hugs, putting up with the tears and keeping me smiling everyday through a horrible time. They taught me to fall back in love with life again and I don't know where I would be without them. People are in your life just at the right time, and the last 9 months at Topshop/Topman have completely proved that theory for me. They are a crazy bunch of people and some I couldn't be more different from, but I am a better person now because of them.

I feel like finally, after 5 months I am getting back to myself. As much as I hated losing the one I loved, if I'd have stayed in a relationship with him, it would have held us both back in so many ways. We'd have had each other, but nothing else. July is a good month for me as it reminds me in 2012, I ran with the Olympic Torch. I go on about it a lot I know, but its my constant reminder to keep moving and growing. I can't really believe I was lucky enough to do it, nor deserving of it. When I look at that Torch in front of me now, its a symbol that someone out there believed in me enough to award me with the honour of carrying it, and I cannot let them down. I feel like only now, I have started to believe in myself again, and am already pushing to progress in my career and generally be a better person. As far as love goes, I am staying single. I have been in long term relationships since I was 16 and they have been beautiful, however I have spent all my time working on those relationships instead of myself. I think its important, especially in your twenties to have some time to be a free spirit and do whatever it is you want to do. I feel like being in a relationship takes away the spontaneity of life, for me anyway. So for now, the only relationship I'll be working on, is the one with myself. I don't like myself everyday, and sometimes I hate the things I do, but until I make these mistakes I'm never going to learn. A lot of people can't stand me, but equally all the people I care about wouldn't have me any other way and that comforts me a lot.

I used to resent school for pushing me so hard but I wouldn't be the girl I am today if it wasn't for that place. And my Dad who constantly badgers me and my brother to progress when all we wanna do is chill. It seems so much pressure. But now I can't thank them enough as its made me crave success in everything I do. I am incredibly lucky to have a Dad who's worked his entire life just to give me everything I've ever wanted without much in return.  

I am so blessed with so many opportunities and I am an idiot for ever wanting to throw that all away.

One of my favourite quotes is "It's not faith if you're using your eyes" and it couldn't be more true. Things are going to happen to you, in a weeks time, in a years time and in ten years time that you never saw coming. Life is full of surprises and that's what makes it so exciting, don't ever give up because you can't see a way forward in front of you right now.

For the first time in a long time, I am excited about life and if theres one bit of advice I want you to take from this post, its the title. Even when it feels like the worlds against you, never stay still.

xoxo

Twenties are Hard...

This post is aimed for all you graduates who have just finished your last year in education and feeling more than disheartened about the world.

So they say being young is the best days of your life. Unfortunately you don't realise it until the harsh realities of life begin to kick in. I grew up in a very nice village, completely spoiled and totally stimulated. I went to an incredible primary school, where I was always noted for my outgoing personality and creativity. I got into a prestige grammar school (by the skin of my teeth) and was worked to the bone. I always achieved well in academia, as well as being a prefect through school, always running events, conferences, I was really good at things!!! Teachers and Parents always told me I could be whatever I wanted to be, and that I was going to make something great out of my life! I probably peaked when I ran with the Olympic torch in which I won a competition for being a future flame, aka someone who's going to be somebody in the future!

Then I went to university.

Life starts to get a little bit more real, suddenly the fantasy of all your dream jobs is filtered down into realistic jobs. Achieving good grades becomes a minimum instead of an achievement. Suddenly, instead of being top of your class at something, you're merely one of two hundred others that are good at what you're good at, and in some cases better. After 7 years of stress, you just do not have the will to revise any longer, for another year of academia that no one will remember you for. University is hard work. I have wanted to drop out every single year, and luckily I ran out of time and completed the degree before I has finished procrastinating about dropping out. And after 3 years of intense pressure and £50,000 of debt, Im just going to be another girl out of thousands with an undergrad degree. All of this hard work, not to be extraordinary, but to fit the standard. And after all the years of ambition, and sacking off friends to study hard and get to where I want....I now work in retail, no ambition and incredibly low mental wellbeing.

What do I have to look forward to? Im now at that awkward age where I can't afford to rent, and Im too old to deal with the regulations and lack of privacy of living in my parents house. I've been through a rocky few teenage years, which has left me with anxiety and lack of optimism to do anything worthwhile anyway. All the adults I used to look up to, have turned out to be as rubbish at life as I am. Its really no wonder people my age feel the need to get wasted all the time, and cling on to their youth in any way they can, such as travelling and partying etc.

 Its a horrible age, in which you can't settle, in fear of wasting your life too young, so you remain in limbo about yourself, your career, your relationships. All I've ever done is look for the one, and now Im panicking that I'm too young to have been in so many long relationships and I should be enjoying single life, and my friends and other independent activities. I've been in two major relationships, and the last one I was so convinced he was the one, Im exhausted at the thought of going through it all over again. I'm not sure I can go through another break up and I probably have many ahead of me!!

On top of that, should I even be worrying about my career? Most people have several in their life time anyway. Even stupid things like, I'd happily get covered in tattoos, but obviously its not a fantastic idea in the long term since my career path isn't set as of yet. But in contradiction to this, I could get hit by a bus tomorrow so should live how I want to live instead of constantly holding out for a future which realistically may never come? At what point do you stop striving for the future, when thats all Ive done for the first 20 years of my life, and start to just embrace the present? I could study further and get a high paying job that I may not even enjoy just so I can impress others and make money? Or I could find a job I love for a low wage, in which I can be my crazy pink haired self and just start enjoying the little things in life. But that would be a total waste of my education right?

All in all, I feel like your childhood is a decade of fantasy and dreams. Your twenties are the come down in which you realise perhaps you're not going to be the next Britney spears, but equally your twenties are the only time you can go wild before you're forced to settle financially so should we all be travelling the world and seizing the day instead of worrying about our career paths?

The only good thing that has come of my twenties is my friendships. My friends are the only thing that have gotten better over time, despite distance and circumstance they have only grown stronger, and I feel like we all support one another going through this time of change. Some of my friends I have experienced all stages of life so far with, and I love watching them grow and develop from young girls dancing at the discos to young women passing out in the campus bar. I am so blessed to have such amazingly supportive and beautiful friends in my life, and for that I cannot thank time enough...

So young graduates, do not feel disheartened... 20's are hard and its ok.

Bleach Hair, Don't Care...

First things first... I NEVER EVER attempt to bleach my own hair. That's probably why I still have hair. Hairdressers can be expensive, but it's for a reason! You wouldn't try and fix your own car, so why your hair? 

I have been bleaching my hair for 10 years now.. but I've mainly had foils all my life. More recently I have been getting scalp bleaches, purely because I wanted pastel hair and it has to be consistently white for this. I would generally recommend foils for everyone else, although they are more expensive and time consuming. I don't use heat on my hair everyday, I naturally have mermaid waves so can rock my naturally dried hair. Also if you don't own a Tangle Teezer yet, then you haven't lived. Its a hybrid brush/comb that glides through wet hair without pulling or breaking the hair. It can tease out any knots and it's really impossible that people are still using anything else. If you do one thing this week, pick one of these up. They're available in all the drugstores and at the salon! 

If you have me on Facebook or Instagram you'll know that I go to Sugar Skull Studios! My amazing hairdresser Chris and I always have loads of fun creating something sassy. Chris is so talented and really listens to what you want, it's been hard to find a hairdresser that is as inspiring and creative with my hair as I want them to be! But don't be put off by my unicorn hair, he's amazing at all styles and colours if you want a more subtle look. I would definitely recommend him, and the two lovely girls Frankie and Zoe, that work in his salon too! 

I feel like people really neglect their hair, in favour of spending money on body products and skincare. But hair is just as important! So I'm going to talk you through a few of my fave products at the moment..

NOTE: THESE ARE SAMPLE SIZES, PRICES DISCUSSED ARE FOR FULL SIZE BOTTLES.

The first thing I have to mention is Chris' own range. I was astounded by the quality of these products, you can tell a good hairdresser is behind them. Because I love having white blonde hair, I have always used a Silver Shampoo. Silver Shampoo is a violet pigmented shampoo which takes the yellow tones out of hair to make it more ashy. Chris' own version is seriously insane. It is THE most pigmented shampoo I have ever used. Yes it tends to make hair slightly purple tinted for the first day but if you're like me, you'll love that even more. If you like less of an extreme effect, mix it with your normal shampoo. The best bit? It smells like toffee.

Alongside this, is the complimentary platinum conditioner. This stuff is beautiful. Within seconds of it hitting my hair, it had turned to silk. So soft and silky, you can really tell it's a salon quality conditioner. It's my new favourite conditioner, and we all know how important that is for bleached hair! 

These products are both under a tenner each so its a real bargain!!!!! 

The other range stocked in Sugar Skull Studios is Redken. Redken is a super highly regarded hair brand. They originate from a salon on 5th Avenue in New York, which was beautiful when I walked past it earlier this year. Their products are expensive, but they reflect their quality. 

This extreme length range is especially targeted for damaged hair. It features an Anti-snap concentrate (pictured here) which is a leave in non-greasy serum. This stuff is packed with protein and restrengthens hair. Its also so easy to shuv this stuff on your hair after you've washed it so its really fuss free. This bottle is just under £20, so yes its pricey but you'd spend that on a dominoes pizza so why not on a huge bottle of hair miracle?

Other products in this range include a Hair sealer. This product comes in a tube with a painting brush head, it works by painting the liquid downwards on the ends on your hair to seal the cuticles down and stop them splitting. 

The Extreme length primer is a leave on treatment thats perfect to throw on in the bath and wash off for added strength. All the products in this range are targeted towards people who are trying to grow their hair without it snapping/splitting and Redken promises results in inches! 

This is the range I am currently using and so far am loving the results!!!

For those of you who don't need platinum or damaged hair products this diamond oil is my next favourite! Diamond oil is in the same family as Moroccan oil and acts as a super enriching supplement for hair. Instead of just selling the oil which can be tricky to use, Redken have incorporated it into their shampoo and conditioner for everyday (well 3 times a week!) use. This will not only improve strength and glossiness but the shine off these products are amazing! Im a sucker for glittery things and these products are like molten gold. 

Buying expensive hair products can be daunting, but they're definitely worth it, especially now we're heading into summer time and you'll notice the difference straight away!

If you need any advice or want to buy any of the products I have mentioned feel free to add the salon on Facebook or phone them on 01622 296470! 

They also have samples if you wish to try anything first!

Sugar Skull Studios are also celebrating their first birthday, new opening on Sunday 10th May 12-3pm, so come on down and celebrate with bubbles and fabulous hair!

https://www.facebook.com/events/344959155693954/

xoxox

New York/My 21st Birthday

So for my 21st Birthday I decided to scrap normal life and jet off to New York. We got a really great deal on British Airways for flights and 4 nights in the Waldorf Astoria all for £695 which is a complete bargain considering a flight to NYC alone is £600!! If I wrote about it as much as I would like, it would need its own blog so I've tried to give you a whistle-stop tour!! 

We touched down in JFK around 4pm and there was a horrendous blizzard! I was actually panicking about touching down as the runway was hidden in a foot of snow, but the pilot seemed unphased! We got a cab to our hotel as they use flat rates, ours was $52.80 (£35) which was pretty good value considering the ride was over an hour! We checked in and obviously it was quite late but we decided the one place you have to explore at night is Times Square! It was great, like a little hub of life, despite it being a Sunday, all the shops were still open and it was a great way to spend the first night!

 

The Second day my amazing bestie Vanessa had booked for us to go on a Sex and The City tour! It was honestly a huge highlight of the holiday and doing it on the first day meant that we got our bearings around the city and where everything was! Here I am sipping a Cosmo at Steve and Aidens bar Scout.

Carries Apartment!! Cordoned off because the people that live there are sick of tourists sitting on their steps haha! 

This is the public library, of course famous in its own right, but also for the sham wedding with Mr Big! 

This is Buddakan where Big and Carrie's Engagement dinner happens! This restaurant was beautiful and we ended up returning on my birthday evening for dinner! 

After the tour, we decided since it was the only sunny day of the week, we would take the opportunity to walk around Central Park. It's a beautiful park and crazy that it's set right in the middle of such a busy city. If we had more time we'd have spent more time here however there was so much to do in 5 days we had to be quick. 

 After Central Park, it began to get dark so we decided to head up to the top  of the Rockefeller. What is crazy is you actually really were on the top of the building, not just a floor but climbing the little pointy bit at the top outside! Luckily the beautiful views completely curbed my severe Vertigo! This was probably my biggest highlight of the trip and I'd do it every night if I could! 

After a busy day we were starving so headed back to Times Square for some good old touristy Bubba Gump! Im not a huge eater so I had the Shrimp and Chips, a more impressive picture however is Jame's Surf and Turf! The drinks are great and the food is pretty good too considering its a chain! Obviously quite expensive but thats the joys of tourist attractions! 

The next day was my official 21st Birthday. We did lots of shopping in the day, I managed to spend over $600 in Sephora! We then jumped in a cab and headed downtown to the Meatpacking district to Buddakan. The food is Asian and it was beautiful, especially after a week of stodgy food! I also had the mint chocolate pudding which was to die for! 

Ooops!

Forgot to mention the amazing waffles I had in bed that morning! You'd hope they would be nice for $40 each! 

On the Wednesday we decided to head all the way to the bottom of Manhattan to Battery Park. From here you can see the statue of liberty! We decided not to take the 3 hour ferry closer to it because we wanted to maximise our time! However the few from the park was impressive enough. We then headed to the 9/11 tribute centre and ground zero. This place is incredibly eery and the second you arrive there you have a lump in your throat. I'm definitely glad I did it, and although I'd seen a million and one documentaries, it doesn't hit you that it was reality until you're stood there. 

You can't go to New York without heading to Katz Deli. It pretty much specialise in Pastrami and Corned beef by the pound in a sandwich. Its enough to turn you vegetarian. 

 On our last day we had to check out about 12. There was a huge blizzard and it made it very hard to walk around and enjoy the city. We spent the last day spending any last pennies in our bank account in NikeTown, Tiffany, American Apparel Factory Store (eeeek!!!), Macys, Bloomingdales, Saks on Fifth, Michael Kors and of course SEPHORA! 

New York is honestly nothing like you expect but everything you dream of. The city is beautiful and there is never a dull moment in the city that never sleeps! I'd recommend everyone to go and see it for yourself, I can't wait to return!!

xoxo

Navy Ombrè Hair

So I took another trip to Sugar Skull Studios for my new hair. I'm usually totally open minded when I walk in, so Chris and I can think up something beautiful with the help of Instagram and Pinterest! He just had a new range of colours in so we wanted to play...

This was the colour chart I was presented with and I just couldn't decide! Ive been pink and purple so much recently however I wanted to go for something a little different....

First we had to bleach my roots ofcourse! I always get one of Chris' own treatments as they make my hair beautifully soft after the bleach, we also tone it with silver shampoo which makes it perfectly white. 

Chris then added a silver toner to the top...

A pastelled version of the blue dye was rubbed through the mid section in order to create the ombre effect. The darkest dye was applied at the moment to add a pop of colour. 

Chris then did one of his amazing jersey-licious blow drys and this was the final product! 

The colours he used are both vibrant and full of good ingredients like shea butter, so nourished my hair even more. Dying your hair bright colours does not have to mean more damage (excluding the bleach!) Whether you want a subtle rinse of colour, dip dye or just something different I highly recommend Sugar Skull Studios on Lower Stone Street, Maidstone. Their prices are amazing too!!

Book Online at: https://www.wahanda.com/place/sugar-skull-studios/

xoxo

Happy New Year '15

So here it is, the first blog post of 2015. I know Im not super regular like my good friend Charlotte, so my first resolution will be to blog more often! I usually write marathon posts about things, but perhaps small and regular is the new way to go!

My previous new year was incredibly health and fitness focused, and although I am not as good as I used to be, I'd hate to think people don't believe in it all anymore. The things I have learnt about nutrition and my body over that period are life changing and once you learn things, you change your view of dieting and the likes. I will never diet (as in restrict my food intake again), if I wish to lose weight I will simply turn to a super healthy diet, and as a teenage girl with tendencies to want to restrict my eating, thats no bad thing! Working in my new job for Topshop/Topman is very busy, I do a lot more hours than I used to and Im in my final year of university so this year I will lack time! However, I have set myself goals for this year to work towards. The thing with resolutions is you run into them full force and run out of steam before you know it. You can't change your life in a month (a busy one at that if you work in retail!) But by simply adding in things to your life, you can improve it steadily, and when you reach 2016 you'll be better off than you were in 2014. So I challenge you all to set yourself goals to try and improve your wellbeing for 2015; I'll start by telling you mine!

1) Drink more water - Throughout all my training and health kick, the thing that makes the most difference is drinking more water. It cleared up my skin, flushed away my cellulite and left me feeling way more energised! Its such a simple thing too, so I don't understand how we all so easily fall short of it. But as I said, one day at a time! If you fail one day, just work on it the next.

2) Cooking - I cook a lot now, although I'd say my skills are fairly amateur. Better than your average student but not quite 'mum' territory. I also love cooking so have decided I'm going to really get into more this year. Again, Im not going to be able to cook every night straight away but by at least starting, it will be easier to get into the routine of cooking batch meals for when Im busy. The easiest way to learn to cook is probably through following recipes however, a lot of cookbook tend to specialise in indulgent cooking. A way to combat this is to buy a healthy cookbook, the one of choice has to be Fitter London. It has recipes that are all created with nutrition in mind, whilst still providing a wide variety of delicious and flavoursome meals! One thing I will always say is I don't believe in the generic diets. Scrap shakes and other weight loss branded products and just eat things that are fresh like meat and veg! Your food should go out of date quickly, it shouldn't be full of preservatives and additives. Merely restricted calories is also not a fix, I could eat 3 chocolate bars a day and remain under a calorie count, but eating chocolate everyday won't make you healthy nor will it be sustainable. Just eat three home cooked nutritious meals and you'll be healthier, happier and slimmer! Im hoping that by losing myself in learning to cook from this book, my health will also be improved as I'll be eating nutritiously again.

3) Relax! Again, something everyone majorly overlooks. Stress (or specifically the cortisol that is released when you are stressed) is so damaging for your body! It originally was only used to get a human/animal out of a dangerous situation and fast (much like adrenaline) It was never meant to just flow through your body on a daily basis thanks to evolution of careers, relationships and academia! I am currently finishing my degree in psychology and one of the best therapies to date is mindfulness. What some people may refer to as meditation. There are millions of links of youtube to guided meditation and I strongly advise you spend some time doing it. It refocuses your mind and combats anxiety, depression and stress meaning your body can begin to repair again. Sleep is also a major part of this, you should be getting 8 hours a night, preferably 11pm-7am as this is prime time for your body to benefit from growth hormones. Although Im not sure I will be able to afford it this year with all the exciting changes Im about to face, another great way to relax is by attending Pilates and yoga classes. I can't recommend them enough, they're so beneficial for not only physical health but mental health!

4) Do something you love. I'm only 20 and even I am realising life is short. Do something creative, write a blog, bake, read, write, sing, exercise, draw. Spend time developing your creativity or technical skills in something other than your job. You never know, it may end up being a business!!

So there they are, my new years resolutions as such, I advise you all to set yourself some goals and don't panic if they're not in full swing by next month. Change is a gradual process and as long as you have your goals written down to see, you'll be able to keep refocusing on them!

Happy New Year xoxox

Once upon a time...

Winter means one thing... SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) aka nobody can function thanks to the dark mornings, sub zero temperatures, university deadlines and the increase in Christmas retail hours! (yay for work!)

The only thing getting me through these dark days, is the thought of a relaxing in a hot bath and watching Sex and the City. And no bath s complete without LUSH. And I've made a new discovery for my addiction. LUSH KITCHEN. This is the lush website in which a special kitchen makes limited edition products and gifts for order. One of the Christmas Specials is the Once upon a Time gift set and as soon as I saw the products, I knew I had to have it!

 It took about three days to come, and had THE cutest packaging. The delivery charge is about £3.95 which is the same as a whole lush product, but I just HAD to try these christmas specials. (I'm such a sucker for these marketing tricks)

The other thing that really excited me about this set is it has three products I would actually use! Usually you'll get a soap or a massage bar which are lovely, but I just never really use them, and wouldn't buy them in the shop, so why spend the money as part of a set. However, a bubble bar, a bath bomb and a bath scrub are my favourite things to use in the bath so it was an all round winner!

The first product is the Gingerbread house bubble bar. My first thoughts are WHY ON EARTH ARE THEY NOT SELLING IT IN STORES. I get that the marketing will increase sales, but compared to the amount of people who would definitely buy this in shops for being so cute, they can't be making THAT much revenue through limiting the stock online. You have to be a Super Fan to buy yourself a gift set as well as pay delivery! Maybe they'll have it in stores next year, its just too gimmicky to not sell mainstream! And it is by the way, the cutest! It smells divine, of all things sweet and spice and the cute sprinkles and cinnamon stick chimney are delightful. I almost don't want to use it as its making my bathroom look so christmassy however, I cannot deny myself christmas bubbles so I will. I just wish I could repurchase this again and again...




The second product is the Christmas Angel Bath Bomb. Although it arrived to me in several pieces, all said pieces were in the box and since they dissolve to nothing in the bath anyway, it didn't entirely bother me that it had broken. They make every effort to keep the products well protected, but no force of hell can compete with
Royal Mail. Not quite sure if her face was like this before they sent it, or whether she's in trauma from the journey! However, this covers my two favourite things in life, pink and mint chocolate. It smells divine, Im usually sold on anything chocolate, but mint chocolate sends me over the edge. And it really did smell of chocolate! Its packed with cocoa butter and milk powder, and it made my bath so creamy! My skin felt amazing and I felt like I was bathing in a bowl of melted ice-cream. Its fairly small as bath bombs go, its the size of 'Ickle Bot', so my only complaint here is that it wasn't bigger!


Finally, the fairy tale sugar scrub. Again being a sucker for marketing, I was really amused by the sugar mouse, sugar scrub pun. And the fact that they used white chocolate buttons just took it to the next level. This box truly is full of my favourite things. It smelt like sweet strawberry milkshake and the course sugar scrubbed away all my excess dry skin (and fake tan!). It was one of the most efficient and amazing smelling scrubs I have ever used. I'll probably get 2-3 uses out of it, and for £3 something thats pretty good going! I hadn't used Lush's scrubs in this form before, but they did not disappoint. I didn't really know what to do with the wet scrub afterwards though so I popped it back in a spare lush bag I had, be sure to have a spare bag laying around unless you want to leave it welded to the side of the bath.


All in all, this gift set really did make some of my (Lush) dreams comes true. Every products was girly, sugary and Christmassy which is everything I look for in bath products. If these three products were in store, I'd buy them again and again and again, however I cannot afford to pay for them to deliver them to me each time so for now I'll look back with fond memories of them, and hope lush eventually sell them in stores!

Please check out Lush Kitchen though if you're a fan, they come up with crazy ideas and sometimes you're even treated to a meeting with an old friend... today for instance, they're making and selling 'Ma' Bars', and we all need those chocolately, toffee bubbles in our lives again!

https://www.lush.co.uk/kitchen

xoxox